Living in Peru : your everyday companion

By Diana P. Olano

I don’t know about our readers, but I have my limits on public displays of affection (PDAs), whether I'm witnessing them or partaking in them. In the suburban county of Westchester, New York where I grew up, the most affectionate act a couple would ever do is kiss. And usually, the kiss was pretty lame; a chicken peck, at best. The most common PDA I'm used to seeing is a couple holding hands. Actually, it was the most common PDA I was used to seeing.

I'm not sure if it's an East Coast thing, or an American thing, or just my intimacy issues coming out to the fold, but I'm not alone on this, I don't think. Most of my friends in New York cringe the same way when we see some hormone-driven, teenage couple necking on a park bench, subway car, etc. Are we primary examples of the "bitter, cold-hearted American", the way most of the world sees us? Why this aversion to, dare I say it, ways to express love?

Honestly, I'm not sure where it comes from. All I know is that it made my transition to Peruvian culture a bit difficult at first. I've visited Lima numerous times (parents are Limeños, born and raised) but never stayed long enough to really experience daily life. Maybe the fact that I was single for my first few months here heightened my PDA aversion, but I doubt that. After half a year of living in Lima, I've come to the (my) conclusion that Peruvians are unabashedly affectionate with their significant others; so much so that I'd practically want to vomit when I saw a couple making-out right in the middle of a sidewalk. Okay, so maybe that's an exaggeration, but it definitely annoyed me. I mean, come on. They're taking up space on an already tiny, poorly built sidewalk. People would literally push them out of the way if they pulled that in Manhattan. Natives, however, seem to not mind one bit, snickering at the most or completely avoiding them as if they weren't even there taking up half the sidewalk. I guess love is so appreciated here that people are willing to take a side-step into puddle of god-knows-what if it means they don't interrupt the loving act.

I think most would agree that a kiss in public is nothing to be ashamed of. It's when you go past that mark and veer into make-out territory that people become a little repulsed by it. Peruvians seem to disagree, taking any opportunity to sneak in a session with their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, lover, etc. No, my friends. Age or status has no significance here. You're as likely to see an elementary school couple cuddling at the Plaza de Armas, as you are to see a seasoned, married couple have a romantic picnic at the Parque de la Exposición. It happens anywhere at anytime with anyone.

Necking, pecking, etc. in public are all well and fun, but they weren't even the most creative ways I noticed couples showing their affection. There are three distinct ways in which lovebirds walk down a street here. Example 1: What I like to call The bearhug, in which either the guy or girl (usually, the guy) holds their partner from behind, wrapping both arms around their waist. I have no idea how anyone can walk like this, but apparently it can be done. Example 2: The headlock, where the guy (or girl, if she's taller) puts one arm around the girl so tightly that you can barely see her face. Sure this makes it easier to steal a kiss or two, but again, where's the personal space? And how can she see where she's going if she’s got her face buried in his neck? I guess he acts as the guide... Example 3: The Bearlock, in which the bearhug and headlock are in a way combined. The guy, who's standing behind her, puts both arms around the girl's neck. Again, I have no idea how they can comfortably walk like that. More power to them if it comes easy. If I've missed one, and I'm sure I have, mention them in the comments please.

Parks or any plaza in general seem to be havens for couples here, I've noticed. At any time of day, if you walk in "Parque Kennedy" or Plaza San Martin, for example, you will find dozens of couples taking advantage of the time they have together by chatting, cuddling, kissing or more. And by "more" I mean... well, I'll leave that up to your imaginations. There is even a park in Lima dedicated to love. The "Parque del Amor" (Love Park), located in Miraflores, is visited daily by couples who want to emphasize the idea of PDAs. The park is located right on the Costa Verse (seaside), so of course it is extremely romantic. Can I really blame the locals for taking advantage of such a beautiful park, specifically dedicated to what they came to express?

The idea to write this feature came to me months ago, long before the relationship I'm in now became what it is today. My heart has probably softened a little and I'm starting to understand these bold, Peruvian PDAs. Still, the (American) East Coaster in me will probably always feel a little aversion to things like public make-out sessions. Some things should remain in the privacy of your home, I think. I still, however, have no idea why Peruvians are, as my cousins like to put it, “pegajosos” (literal translation: sticky). Is it just Peruvians? Is this all in my head? Whether it is or isn’t and whether you're into PDAs or not, I wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day!

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I lived in Peru from the ages of 9-18 yrs. old and maybe have somewhat of an explanation for some of this PDA... One reason is the people you see in the parks and such most likely don't have private transportation, so if they don't have a car to where they can go park somewhere private they are left with being in public. In the USA most of this behavior occurs in a parked car somewhere... Another reason is most of these people you see still live at home with their parents. In Peru it isn't unusual for a 30 yr old to still live at home with mom, dad, siblings and sometimes even grandma and grandpa. Therefore this leads to no privacy at home which takes the couples to the parks... it's not quite as uncomfortable to kiss in front of strangers than your own relatives. University students live at home with mom and dad not in dorms or their own apartments like students do in the US. Believe me that if these couples had an alternative private place to go to be affectionate at they would, instead of limiting their affection they just adopt a don't care attitude and there it goes in front of God and everybody... At least you can say they don't care about what other people think when it comes to showing their love for their significant other.

Why does everything have to be measured from the culture of United States?  Maybe if the culture of Peru offends you, you should go somewhere where you are more comfortable.  Please dont make Peru into another country - and especially the US with its terrible violence - give me the pleasure of seeing kissing over killing in the streets on the nightly news.

I totally agree with Diana Bowie.  Plus, Peru is not the only place where PDA is seen everywhere... I live in GERMANY, capital of coldness, and it is impressive to actually see that people here are warm and are able to show - and I mean SHOW- their feelings in public.

Perhaps you would be more comfortable wearing a Hijab and long dress to your ankles and living in a Muslim country where modesty in women and men is not only appreciated but required by the Quran.  You certainly don't belong in New York or Peru or any number of other places where people express affection openly.

I guess your next article will be about the horrors and outrage of women nursing their babies in public.

In fact, maybe it is only certain parts of the US and Islamic countries where this doesn´t happen? Perhaps this tells us something about personal freedom in those countries... It happens all over Europe and no-one bats an eyelid.

Good on you Diana,completely agree with you and by the way I'm a peruvian that grew up in that culture,following my christian values never like the way some couples behave and still do,in public places.Thats why I married an Irish man!
Do  you want to know the real meaning of love read John 3:16.

Thanks for the comments/interesting theories, everyone. Would just like to remind you that this is a feature story. Meaning, it's an article based on my opinion on an aspect of this society. In case that wasn't clear...

After half a year of living in Lima, I've come to the (my) conclusion...

Can't apologize for something I believe in. Though, I'm glad it's caused such a great discussion.

Diana Bowie: Why does everything have to be measured from the culture of United States?

Because I AM from the states. Therefore, I based this on that point of view. However, that is not to say that everything should be based from that POV. That would, indeed, be a terrible thing. And I agree that it happens often. And no. "Offend" is a strong word. I would say this aspect of it just annoys me a little when it's taken to a certain degree, but then again, I can say that about so many things in American culture. Telling someone to shove off because they dislike an aspect of a country is unnecessary. We're all entitled to our opinions, yes?

Monica, Nick: It hadn't ocurred to me that it happens often in Europe. I've been to France and the PDAs there are definitely comparable to how they're expressed here. I guess this POV might definitely be limited to Americans, then...

Dianna J: Another reason is most of these people you see still live at home with their parents. In Peru it isn't unusual for a 30 yr old to still live at home with mom, dad, siblings and sometimes even grandma and grandpa.

I've had discussions with my friends here about this very topic and eventually, the privacy issue comes up. We've used it to explain part of this PDA phenomena. I guess I forget sometimes because I live on my own here and am used to people my age (20-somethings) living the same way. You're very correct, though. This is probably a big reason behind it.

In some ways, I really like that people here have that freedom to live at home, help support their family, until their married (unlike in the states where some parents force their children to move out right after college). It keeps the family unit close, an aspect of American society that hardly exists anymore, sadly. In other ways, though, that privacy issue is key in determining whether or not a relationship with someone can go forward. Everything has its pros and cons.

Hi Dianna, thanks for your fun observations on Peruvian PDA. Am seriously surprised at the ire they apparently drew, especially since you do come from Peruvian stock. I find these attitudes do change with time and exposure, as you well noted. I came to Latin America after a work stint in Afghanistan where there was absolutely no physical contact (not even handshakes usually) between women and men, no matter what their culture. The Latinos (and there are many working there by the way) certainly suffered the most. It took a little bit of adjusting to move from one country, where a woman or even a couple could be stoned to death for such behavior as one sees daily and openly at the Lover's Park, where my husband and I walk the dog past daily. But I've been nearly naked on a beach in Goa with no shame and yet would not even wear a one piece swimsuit at a five star hotel in Bangladesh because it is such a contrast with the local culture... so I guess we are all victims to some extent - or at least our attitudes are - of our environment. Anyway, I enjoyed your article immensely and found your perspective as a bicultural woman to be relevant, interesting, and well stated. Look forward to reading more. - Pen

Thanks Penelope!

Maybe a chat with your Peruvian parents would make you understand what you can't 'understand'. If it doesn't clear your mind, just read the first comment. 

Diana O.,
As a fellow East Coast American-turned-Limena, I was interested in the topic of your essay. (I wouldn't call it a feature since it examines PDAs from your own perspective and observations, rather than with hard research, quotes from outside sources, etc.) What surprised me is that your conclusions are opposite mine, which shows how varying subjective experience can be! 

During my first visits to Peru in the 1990s, I was struck by how restrained Limeno couples were in displaying affection toward one another in public. I didn't see much kissing or hugging then on Lima streets (just in the Parque de Amor); this contrasted greatly with how young couples behaved in New York City and Miami Beach, two cities where I lived in the 1980s and '90s. (Actually, in South Beach in the 1990s, people were having sex on the beachs and in the parks, which is what I consider over-the-top!)

Today, my observation is that couples in Lima are more affectionate than they were in the 1990s, and I'm not insulted or offended by it at all. I live in Miraflores and visit a lot of parks, and what I notice most couples doing is talking for long periods of time on park benches and mild hugging and kissing. I was curious why the couples spend so much time together in parks, and my Peruvian family (I married a Peruvian in 1996) gave me the same explanation as that given by Dianna J. -- many young couples don't have the luxury of living apart from their families or of having a car. That made the whole "park-wooing" phenomenon more understandable to me.

Also note that in Andean culture, the remote high altiplano (where Andeans herd their llamas) is where many young men and women meet and start romances. In Quechua-language poetry, the high altiplano landscape is associated with romance, love and sex. (If you want to know more about this, read some of the books by anthropologist Inge Bolin.) So, in other words, in native Peruvian cultures falling in love is associated with being outdoors. This association may influence what you see going on in the parks of Lima, among lovers of various races, ethnicities and social classes.

I would agree with your assessment that you might have wanted to "vomit" at the sight of couples making out because you yourself didn't have a lover or a novio. It sounds like you are still trying to work out your feelings, since the conclusion of your essay (your heart softening) doesn't match your opening (your being disgusted by Peruvian PDAs). No doubt, if your relationship continues to develop, you'll find yourself less incensed and more tolerant.

I myself like how Limenos are expressing love more openly than they were when I first visited the country. Hopefully couples who don't want children are using birth control when they get a chance to make love in private. But birth control in Peru -- that's a whole different topic. :)

I was raised in California but have Peruvian parents and I think PDA's are indeed cultural and personal.  My parents are affectionate at home but not so much in public, but maybe that's because they are now in their 70s and live in the States.  Personally, I love the warmth and affection of Peruvians and I don't mind seeing it displayed by lovers in public.  You see a lot of it in Paris and it strikes me as being romantic!  If it makes you uncomfortable, you can always look the other way.  And as someone who has travelled all over the U.S., I find people in the Northeast to be on the chilly side, if I can make such a generalization (which I probably shouldn't).

I loved your feature Diana. I had so much fun reading it. I am sorry that it offended one of the readers. It shouldn't have to. It is your U.S. perspective about a reality and one can only agree or disagree with it.
There are so many people here writing about their experiences as immigrants in the U.S., [BTW, even a peruana, Marie Arana, wrote an interesting book: American Chica: Two worlds, one childhood], that reading your piece is like reading the Peruvian American experience in reverse.
Anyways, Happy belated Valentine's to you too. And as a born and raised Peruvian living in the U.S. I can only hope you get "inculturated" soon a la peruana.
Your piece about PDA's was so good that you even shared your own PDA with your readers telling us about your relationship. Just got short of telling us weather you had already necked and pecked  on some narrow vereda in Lima.

Tiffany S.: I like the phrase "park-wooing", haha. The lack of privacy explanation seems to be holding true.

And that's very interesting info on the way the Andean community expresses romance. Will have to check out Bolin. Thank you!

And birth control--and its availability/attitudes toward it--in Peru...my god! That's definitely a subject that deserves its own article. People might've thought I'm some conservative nut who can't appreciate a romantic (not indecent) PDA now and again, but that's very far from the truth. And my perspective on BC would prove that. Look out for a piece on it in future posts...

Teresa: Generalization or not, I'm sure many Northeasters would agree--we're a chilly bunch.

David: Won't confirm or deny the necking or pecking, but I can say that nothing I've ever done in public has been "over-the-top".

I believe Tiffany got it right when she indicated that this is probably not a "feature story" with hard research and outside quotes - to me, this is really an editorial.  If it had been presented like this, we would have probably just read it with no comment as one person's rather lengthy opinion.

Diana B.: Many "features" posted in this section have been written in the same nature: first person POV opinion on the culture/society of Peru, without much "hard" research or quotes. (Check out this one, for example: http://www.livinginperu.com/features-326-art-culture-lifestyle-todays-special-rice-racism-). Calling them "features" might be incorrect, but unfortunately we don't have an editorial section to place them in.

Also, real features are also likely to be written from a personal perspective. A reaction from the reader, whether positive or negative, is usually expected, as well.

I gotta say, as a Peruvian, it does not really bother me to see people display PDA since I've seen it my entire life, so I'm basically "numb", so to speak, to it. But that does not mean I have to agree with it. In my own opinion, couples shoud do that somewhere private. Some people just go too far, but then again, it's part of Peruvian culture.

Hi Diana if you can't beat them join them. Once you find your true love, I bet you will just as romantic. Have a nice day.

It is so pathetic to read some of these comments, specially those from "former" peruvians that now live in different countries and among people from different culture. See, if those people would see "gringos" kissing, making love or just walking naked in the street, then they will call it "freedom". See a two "cholitos" kissing and making up in the paruvian parks, suddenly you have people ("former" peruvians) writing you about Morals and "Christianism" and asking you to read John 3:6 ?!??!

Maybe it is better for these people to see kids play with guns and kill another kids in countries far away. Maybe for them is ok have these criminal minds invading schools, here in the USA killing our kids.

C'mon leave your stupidity behind and leave the ones that are enduring to be a peruvian to kiss, touch and make love in the parks

Reading your message just reminds me why I went & married a Peruvian lady in the first place.They have no "hang-ups", no  baggage. Sorry but The U.S. has lost out on romantic women & its sad that we have to travel outside it to find what the U.S. once had in women of our past. The divorce rate in the U.S. is what? Need I say more? Viva Lima Peru!!!

Friends:

It seems that all of you have missed the obvious about our dear author. She is a prude. I assume that she has strict rules and limits on sexual conduct, even in the privacy of her own bedroom.  By condeming public intimacy and professing profound revulsion to it, she is trying to show that she is better than all those people who might engage in, or, heaven forbid, actually get a chuckle out of it.  I'll bet she is a barrel of laughs to be with, and doesn't kiss on the first marriage. Buenes suerte, amiga. Su doctor esta esperando.

Here! Here!

Either that or she knew exacetly the response she would get by going there in the first place. Maybe she knows being a prude gets you nothing but loanleness & she is trying to change. Being a fun loving guy from the country of America I always cherished our women, that is untill my eyes were opened. Why I waited untill I was older  to travel outside our country to see if the grass "is" greener, is beyound me! Its just too bad our young men, & women that are not "10's" have to settle with what they get for helpmates & all they'd have to do is "go there", see the fruit thats ripe for the pickens. Wonderfull women, these Peruvians. But, of course, all women need maintenance, a-hem!